doo doo doo...

Yesterday @ Lindsay's cottage was a blast...we went on the jet skis, swam in the lake, had to tow a jet ski back (embarrassing lol), barbecued dinner, made a campfire and had smores and got wasted. tally for the night: 7 beers. impressive for me, right? but we did drink for about 6 hours straight, so that makes it not seem like so much. where did the time go? nevertheless, i was WASTED. i would have slept soundly but there were moths in the room and they kept on attacking me in the face and i had to swat at them in a fury to get them away. this went on for like 20 minutes. i can only imagine how funny that looked.

but now that i'm back to my house i feel like my life is back to it's normal boring self again. except for random happenings like this:
one of the kids from my camp IMs me all the time now, and since my bro's sn is in my profile, he started IMing my brother tonight too. well my brother didn't know who the hell he was, and adam's speech on IM is kinda (well very) broken and he kept on just saying "hi" to my brother...so my brother got pissed and thought someone was fucking with him online so my brother called him an asshole and told him to stop talking to him.
in other words, he at a 17 year old mentally impaired kid with an anxiety disorder and called him an asshole. simply for talking to him online. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. that's so wrong but so funny somehow.

i feel like i need another distraction, another thing to do all the time so that i don't think about the things that make me upset. so the fact that i don't have a job yet probably isn't helping. camp was great at keeping me busy and entertained. i do, however, have an interview with Accelerated Physical Therapy tomorrow at 11am - they called me the day after i sent them my resume! so let's hope this goes well. i need it!

i think i realized what it is about finding out that that guy i met on monday night has slept with 35 girls that bothers me so much. i know there are guys like that out there, i'm not naive about that. it's sickening, but apparently it happens. i wouldn't have known that about him though if bob hadn't told me. and i would have believed what this guy told me if i had kept talking to him and i highly doubt he would have told me how much fun he's been having. so that's just it - i'm scared of meeting guys here because i have no clue who they are and there's no one to tell me anything other than what they're telling me themselves. which could be any combination of withholding, fabricating, and/or denying the truth. any guy that i met up at school, was somebody's friend, or someone knew them, and knew that they were a good person. here, i have nothing. and that makes me miss the security i feel like i have with guys that i know aren't like that. who knows, maybe it's false security, because there are things i've found out about some guys by dating them that no one could have ever told me from the beginning. i miss the innocence...maybe it was ignorance, but it was a happy ignorance. and i didn't feel so hopeless. i was excited to meet new guys then. now, not so much. i would tell myself to be a little more skeptical and not as trusting when i meet people, and that way i might be able to keep myself from getting hurt, but i would have to totally turn myself off from them and then i'd feel bad for being like that to them because of how previous guys were, plus that's just not my personality either.

So i should probably go, i can tell that the benadryl is getting to me (hopefully this takes away the HUMONGOUS mosquito bites on my feet) and that's probably why i'm rambling and i might even have to erase all this tomorrow. jesus, did i ramble on like this last night? i don't think so...i need to go to bedddddddd...

........

if i said everything i knew and you told me how you felt, would it change anything? good or bad, would i feel better? i can't ask, but i can't ignore, i've never been able to...and for this reason i'm absolutely stuck. this is probably a bad, bad idea.